Bother
by Leo Shinatome
Summary: Duo slips into insanity as he can't forget his past.


Warnings: ANGST. Yaoi, sort of., a little OOC  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing, and I don't own this song. If you want to sue me you can have my dog. I hope you own stain remover.  
  
Bother  
  
It was raining again, like he cared. Duo didn't mind the rain. He used to like it. He loved running into the cold wet drops, throwing back his head and watching the clouds cry. Or what passed for clouds in a simulated environment. Duo grinned a little. The colonists didn't even know how bad real rain could get. It was a quirk of nature and could destroy just like anything else. Just like him.  
  
Wish I was too dead to cry,  
  
But now rain was tedious. It gave him too much time to think. He leaned his face against the cold glass of the window. God he was tired. Tired from the fighting and the war, but also tired from the memories that were set off by everything he did, saw, heard, or touched.  
  
My self-affliction fades  
  
He looked down at his wrists. Pale scars ran across each one. He remembered when he tried to end the memories. But it had been a long time ago. They were so light that now they were almost indistinguishable unless someone was looking very close.  
  
Stones to throw at my creator.  
  
Duo grinned again, but with no actual mirth. In his mind's eye he could see the knife that he had held, the feeling of euphoria as peace finally washed over him. Then the cruel slap that brought him back to reality as Dr. G hauled him up and began stitching up his wrists then and there, using the pain of no antiseptics as punishment.  
  
Masochists to which I cater  
  
There was no smile now. Duo's face was bitter. Imagine not even being able to decide what happens to your own life. But then he never had. Fate had just swept him along a path that was full of misery and torment. So many times he had tried to give up. To go and join those that he loved. But it never worked. Irony had just decided that Duo Maxwell was indestructible. At least his body was.  
  
You don't need to bother;  
  
Duo looked up as Heero walked into the room. The braided boy's mask instantly slipped into place. Jumping up he bounded over and threw himself on Heero's bed, making the springs bounce as the dark haired boy tried to sit down. Heero glared at him. Duo smiled, and although it looked real. It failed to reach his eyes.  
  
I don't need to be  
  
"Hey 'ya Heero!!" he crowed. "What'cha up to?" Heero merely grunted and got up again. Walking across the room to his laptop and pointedly shifted it so that his back was turned away from Duo. The smile was instantly gone as the braided boy lost his control of his mask. It was harder to put on every day. Now it hardly stayed for all of three minutes.  
  
I'll keep slipping farther  
  
Duo knew he was loosing it. Day by day battles got worse, each time he lost a little more of his sanity. And each time he looked at Heero he felt a surge of longing. He needed something, someone to stay with him. Someone who he knew was not going to hurt him. Heero was safe, as safe as Duo could find. Heero would not love him. And therefore would not leave him.  
  
But once I hold on,  
  
I won't let go 'til it bleeds  
  
Another battle, another day of pointless existence and painful memories. Duo now just came out of his haze of depression to fight. There his life was filled with another haze. A red haze of all the dead surrounded him. But he no longer noticed them.  
  
Wish I was too dead to care  
  
If indeed I cared at all  
  
In his Gundam he wasn't powerless. He might be able to control his future. For one hour at least. His voice cackled over the intercom. He could hear the high pitch of hysteria, but his mind was whirling. Spinning from one tragedy to the next. His memories flashing on each of the mobile suits he saw. Then the image was destroyed with the suit as his scythe slashed through both.  
  
Never had a voice to protest  
  
So you fed me shit to digest  
  
The battle over, all the enemy suits reduced to scrap, he headed back to one of the safe houses. He expected it to be empty. But as he landed and exited Deathscythe he saw Wing Zero standing in the hangar. Duo felt his body go cold. He couldn't see Heero, not like this. He had made sure not to have any contact with the other pilots recently. Duo's breath came faster. Heero already knew he was here. He would have heard him. Duo looked down at his hands. They were shaking. His whole body was quivering. His chest felt tight. He couldn't breath. Falling to his knees Duo didn't see the door open to Heero's form silhouetted against the frame.  
  
I wish I had a reason;  
  
my flaws are open season  
  
"Duo?! What is going on?" Heero ran up and turned Duo on to his back. All the braided boy could do was gasp and choke. Heero's mouth pursed into a thin line. Duo didn't even see the hand coming before he felt its stinging presence on his cheek. Heero slapped him again. "Snap out of it Duo" he growled. Duo stopped wheezing but turned on his side and covered his head, curling up into a small ball.  
"Leave me alone" He whispered. "I don't deserve to live"  
  
For this, I gave up trying  
  
One good turn deserves my dying  
  
Heero hauled him up by the front of his shirt and pressed him against the wall. "What the hell is that?" He hissed. "You WILL live Duo. Damned if I'll let someone get out of this mess before me." With that he let go, allowing Duo to slump to the floor.  
  
You don't need to bother;  
  
I don't need to be  
  
Duo remained on the floor, eyes staring into nothingness that bordered on the edge of his vision. A sadistic smile cracked through his face. "So nice of you to care Heero." The hangar filled with the sound of insane laughter.  
  
I'll keep slipping farther  
  
But once I hold on,  
  
I won't let go 'til it bleeds  
  
He didn't fight anymore. The doctors wouldn't let him. He had become too "unstable" to be depended on. Therefore he was not surprised when one night a shadowy figure dropped into his bedroom. "Hello Heero. Nice night to murder eh? Or did your orders eloquently state it as "tying up loose ends"?" Impassiveness would suit him now. Somewhere in there Duo was crying out smashing against the walls of an impenetrable fortress of guilt, self- loathing, and shame.  
  
Wish I'd died instead of lived  
  
A zombie hides my face  
  
Heero just stared at him. The muzzle of his gun aimed at Duo's heart. "Such a small target Heero," Duo murmured, "Even for you." Heero slipped a little. "Duo.what happened?"  
  
Shell forgotten  
  
with its memories  
  
"Yes," Duo whispered, "What?" Pointing to his laptop he looked at Heero with amethyst eyes colder than the stone and said, "Look there." Heero inched over not taking his eyes away from Duo. Finally he turned and to look at the open window on the screen.  
"It's all there Heero, every single little detail of my life that I can remember. Dispassionately jotted down by the scientists in order to predict the depths of my psyche. I hope you find it interesting. It wouldn't have been worth living through if someone didn't find it intriguing."  
  
Diaries left  
  
with cryptic entries  
  
Heero's eyes as they read grew softer and even sad. "Duo.I never."  
"Never what," Duo snapped "Never asked? Never bothered? Just thought I was some bubble head that the doctors thought amusing to stuff in a mobile suit and ship down to planet Earth?"  
  
You don't need to bother;  
  
I don't need to be  
  
Heero just looked at him. Duo suddenly snapped. "I HATE you! I hate the way you think I'm inferior just because I didn't have the training. Well I did! I was born to it and it broke me! And one day it will break you too Heero Yuy!" Duo was screaming now, launching himself from where he was sitting to tackle Heero around the waist and slam him into the wall.  
  
I'll keep slipping farther  
  
Heero, instead of defending or pushing Duo away, held on to him. As they both crashed to the floor he took Duo into his arms and rocked him like a small child. And Duo cried his heart out into Heero's chest.  
  
But once I hold on.  
  
I'll never live down my deceit 


End file.
